We race the falling sun beyond the yellow hills and past green grape vines and barns bending into meadows under their roofs painted the color of dried blood.
The highway points west, leaping out over cliffs edging a fury deep within the churning waves.
The sleek, cloud gray feathers of seabirds lift in the sea wind over the Albion River docks, my father whistles between his fingers— a call to the ospreys, whose audience of children watches from below, its talons around a limp carcass of scales.
The foghorn beyond the bridge bellows through the night and into dawn, a beast tormented by the surge of cold tide.
Wet velvet harbor seals raise their round faces studded with hollow black eyes, to stare at fisherman navigating past exposed rocks in first light, a smell of decaying kelp wafting through the thick, tranquil fog.
In the woodsmoke mornings the beach is quiet, the sand a dismal gray becoming alive with pebble of seaglass, studded in lavender and green and cobalt blue. They are heavy in my pockets— treasures, sheltered touchstones.
The dampening breeze carries a mysteriousness so profound that I am moved to stop and stare out over the water to drink it with every part of me.
the last paragraph falls a little weakly tho'. until that point you were describing things concretely ( and deeper things elliptically - and thus perhaps more powerfully). and then you end with that flat declarative paragraph at the end, it's like a missed dunk. so close. Otherwise 99% perfection :)
@TheUnbearableLightnessofPeeing - Thanks for your criticism, I appreciate it. Would you have any suggestions on how to end it?
perhaps keeping that same descriptive/objective voice that you used throughout so successfully?
"The dampening breeze ( carries a mysteriousness so profound that I am moved to stop and stare out over the water to drink it with every part of me. )
the lines in parenthesis is where you got less concrete and more "verbal"; if you stick to a more descriptive/concrete voice I think it would "make" the poem- like I said I love all of it, until the last paragraph; all the previous lines had that "thingness" that Dylan Thomas was able to achieve so marvelously
This is the feeling of a traveler who come back home after so long that he/she is alone. Nice poem.
The imagery and description you've used here is wonderful. You obviously have a knack for it. One that I'm very jealous of, I might add. :)
@EndlessDepths - Thank you very much! I really appreciate it :]
The imagery that painted is phenomenal, as is your poetry. I wish I had a knack for poetry, but I'm better at fiction. I admire people who can arrange words into poems. Brilliant.
@kvdubs - Thank you so much! See, for me it's the other way around, I'm not good at fiction haha, and I have no imagination whatsoever, but I guess it's all just what fit's us and our creativity. But thank you :]
Comments (9)
great poem, actually great word-painting
the last paragraph falls a little weakly tho'. until that point you were describing things concretely ( and deeper things elliptically - and thus perhaps more powerfully). and then you end with that flat declarative paragraph at the end, it's like a missed dunk. so close.
Otherwise 99% perfection :)
@TheUnbearableLightnessofPeeing - Thanks for your criticism, I appreciate it. Would you have any suggestions on how to end it?
perhaps keeping that same descriptive/objective voice that you used throughout so successfully?
"The dampening breeze ( carries a mysteriousness
so profound that I am moved to stop
and stare out over the water
to drink it with every part
of me. )
the lines in parenthesis is where you got less concrete and more "verbal"; if you stick to a more descriptive/concrete voice I think it would "make" the poem- like I said I love all of it, until the last paragraph; all the previous lines had that "thingness" that Dylan Thomas was able to achieve so marvelously
@TheUnbearableLightnessofPeeing - Thank You :]
This is the feeling of a traveler who come back home after so long that he/she is alone. Nice poem.
The imagery and description you've used here is wonderful. You obviously have a knack for it. One that I'm very jealous of, I might add. :)
@EndlessDepths - Thank you very much! I really appreciate it :]
The imagery that painted is phenomenal, as is your poetry. I wish I had a knack for poetry, but I'm better at fiction. I admire people who can arrange words into poems. Brilliant.
@kvdubs - Thank you so much! See, for me it's the other way around, I'm not good at fiction haha, and I have no imagination whatsoever, but I guess it's all just what fit's us and our creativity. But thank you :]